Don't Read This
by skipper-of-otters
Summary: One of Salamandastron's worst writes about his experiances. When the badger is away, the hares can play...
1. Default Chapter

Prologue  
  
#$%^ it! You read it. Young ones these days!  
  
Chances are, if you're reading this, that you're interested in joining The Long Patrol. You've heard that Salamandastron hares are noble, that we are great fighters, and that we're always on our best behaviour. In that case, you've heard about the Long Patrol, not the Salamandastron Defensive Reserve.  
  
Most of us with the SDR prefer it to the Long Patrol because we almost never get called for action - I've only seen a few missions, most of them minor. All we need to do is assist the Long Patrol in major defensives (rare) and protect the mountain while they're away. It's when the badgers are away when being in the SDR is at it's best. When the badger is away, the hares can play...  
  
Let me give you an idea of how the SDR was formed. The following are top secret, never before seen Salamandastron Secret Memos. I'm not supposed to have access to them, but I have my ways...  
  
To: Colonel Eyebright  
From: Lady Cregga  
Security status: Eyes only  
I have determined that our equipement is sufficient for an assault on Gormad Tunn's forces. How are our hares doing? I know you raised our numbers again with all those recruiting teams, but how skilled are all these hares.  
  
To: Lady Cregga  
From: Colonel Eyebright  
Security status: Eyes only  
Marm, our hares are in top notch crack shape. They are at absolute bally limit of armed forces preparedness.  
  
To: Colonel Eyebright  
From: Sergeant Clubrush  
Security status: Eyes only  
WTF Colonel?! Haven't you read any of my reports? Many of our hares are total greens! I can only give you about four hundred skilled hares, and you want five hundred for both offensive and defensive purposes?  
  
To: Sergeant Clubrush  
From: Colonel Eyebright  
Security status: Eyes only  
Oops... just send the four hundred best to Cregga and I'll keep the five hundred worst here. We'll give them an official sounding name like the Salamandastron Defense Reserve. Give the other one hundred lots of extra training, okay?  
  
To: Colonel Eyebright  
From: Sergeant Clubrush  
Security status: Eyes only  
Okay, but you'll need to do tonight's training... I have a important date tonight, and after not telling your wife about when I caught you and Captain what's-her-name in the cellars, you owe me.  
  
So there you have it - the SDR. This story is about the first time the SDR was assigned to protect the mountain. It's a different kind of army. And this is a different kind of war story.  
  
P.S. Please don't tell any of the commanding officiers that I wrote this.  
  
~Leiutenant Barry Mauser, Salamandastron Defense Reserve  
  
Please comment on this - does it sound promising or not? 


	2. Chapter 1

Note: Do to overwhelmingly positive responses, I've decided to continue this. It will be a sort of humourous action adventure, along the lines of the computer game "No One Lives Forever", and it will be written from Barry's prespective.  
  
To: Colonel Eyebright  
From: Lady Cregga  
Security Status: Eyes only  
I want to leave tomorrow to go after Tunn. Here is a list of which hares will be accompanying me on this mission under the Long Patrol banner... the rest will stay here with you under the Salamandastron Defensive Reserve banner, as you suggested. Please post the list in the mess hall.  
  
To: All hares  
from: Colonel Eyebright  
Please refrain from crowding around the list. We want any injuries we have to be on the battlefield, not in the mess hall. Instead, form a nice, straight, single file line to the list in an orderly fashion. In addition, all pornographic novels, paintings, and sketches should be removed from your cabins ASAP. You are also not permitted to store booze in your cabins. Thank you for your cooperation.  
Note to scribes: Please make enough copies of this message to give one to every hare on the mountain.  
  
To: Scribes  
From: Colonel Eyebright  
Very funny. Next time remove the "note to scribes" part BEFORE you distribute them.  
  
I still remember John's response to the letter. It was a few words, followed by ruckus laughter. The words were "of course we'll cooperate."  
  
"Ow! Watch we're your going."  
Despite the protests, Kleston was able to push his way to the front. Kleston was a wild march hare with a bad attitude. He had to be the biggest jerk on the mountain.  
"Someday someone's going to need to play a nasty trick on that blighter."  
I turned around to see John Saberton standing behind me. John was the son of two of Salamandastron's best swordshares, but he felt he was always getting pushed by his family, so he tended to do thinks like drink and go to all night parties with Salamandastron's less respectable crowd - which included me, the orphaned son of some barely known hares in Mossflower. I had come to Salamandastron at a young age, but also found the work hard and fell in with the less respectable bunch. Nonetheless, we were skilled fighters.  
"Eyebright said we should be nice and polite and line up properly."  
John smirked. "Eyebright can say what he wants. It's not going to happen."  
"WHY IN THE NAME OF HELLGATES AM I NOT ON THAT LIST?"  
John and I grined at Klestons expense. Luckily we were too far back to be seen.  
"Imagine not having to deal with that jerk while we go out on some heroic mission!"  
"I know. Good riddance, I say."  
"The two of us will be making some waves out there. I'm the best swordshare on the mountain who doesn't have gray hair, and you're the only one to have hit a target three times in a row at 300 yards with that bow of yours."  
John usually exageratted, but we both were pretty good.  
  
We both continued through the line, talking about how we'd be remembered as heroes for all time. However, this was not to be. Instead, fate delivered us something quite different. At the time, it seemed a punishment. Now, I think it was for the better.  
We got to the list. Since it was alphabetical, it didn't take us long to find a problem with it."  
"What?! We aren't on the list!"  
At the moment, the Colonel entered.  
"Break it up guys! This isn't a shoving match."  
He was ignored by those in the line, and swarmed by those with questions. John and I got there first.  
"Sir, I demand to know why Barry and I aren't on the list. I'm one of the best swordshares..."  
"...And your disipline is about the worst around, Ensign. Until you improve your behavior, I am afraid you'll need to stay here."  
"COLONEL! WHY IN THE NAME OF HELLGATES DIDN'T I GET IN."  
"You're much too agressive Kleston. You may be able to maul a enemy, but I can't risk you botching an operation."  
"You idiot!"  
John and I moved off.  
"Great, now we have to stay behind with Kleston."  
"You guys too?"  
We both turned to see Aliesha Clubrush, Sergeant Clubrush's niece, and also the hare I had had a crush on for years - and I wasn't alone.  
"Why? You've been praised by every trainer in the mountain."  
Aliesha looked rather annoyed.  
"My father said he didn't want me to risk my life out there, but he let my older brother go. Someday I'll show that sexist bastard that a female hare can be the best."  
"Bastard? He's your father, you know."  
"Well what's the point of talking about a family member nicely if they're a jerk?"  
With that, she stomped off.  
I looked at John.  
"This is ridiculous. The Colonel's position is completely uncalled for. We need to do something."  
"Revenge?" John asked.  
"I prefer to call it justice."  
  
What will John and Barry do to Colonel Eyebright? Find out next time! 


End file.
